


not alone

by carminare



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, akaashi keiji loves bokuto koutarou, fukurodani loves bokuto too, the rest of fukurodani is there as well, well kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 01:39:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19052653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminare/pseuds/carminare
Summary: Koutarou is tired. His head is fuzzy and his body is too heavy for him.Aka Bokuto has a depressive episode but his team is there to help.





	not alone

Koutarou can't sleep. It's just one of those nights where he tosses and turns and can't seem to shake the blue feeling off of him. He's tired or at least his body is. His limbs are heavy and his back hurts and his head might explode. He feels like he should fall asleep any moment now, he feels like his eyes are finally going to remain closed, but he finds himself still awake, eyes wide open.

It's not uncommon and it isn't even a surprise if he thinks about it. He had been having a fantastic time these last few weeks. They had been winning and winning and winning and Koutarou felt invincible. They owned the world and Koutarou was the leader. He could still feel the rush through his veins, the excitement in his chest he felt when Akaashi kissed him that night under the stars. _Akaashi liked him back_. And so Koutarou had had a great couple of weeks. But then it suddenly stopped. 

That morning, he had woken up grumpy. Every little noise was annoying. Washio's deep but oddly soft voice? Annoying. Onaga's earnest comments? Annoying. Even Akaashi's _Bokuto-san_ was annoying. He wanted to rip his hair off and scream but he tried to keep it cool, to maintain control. And then the practice matches were a failure. His body wouldn't react the way he wanted it to, his legs were too heavy and his arms too slow. Akaashi tried to make him feel better, to get him out of his slump but it wasn't working and Koutarou found himself wanting to run away from him. He couldn't handle it anymore, the sound of the ball hitting the floor, the squeaking of the sneakers, the loud voices. It was to much, so, he ran away.

He wasn't even in the mood to take a bath, he just fell into his futon and stayed there, unable to move. When he heard the other members coming, he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. He felt Akaashi run a hand through his hair and whisper a soft _Bokuto-san_ but Koutarou kept pretending until Akaashi sighed and left.

And so now he's just there, laying on his stomach, clenching his eyes and trying and failing to will himself to sleep. He keeps thinking about how his members are probably mad at him. Akaashi is probably gonna break up with him. Were they even boyfriends to begin with? He probably won't have a chance to ask now that he went and ruined everything.

Koutarou is supposed to be the ace, yes. He's the star! But he is also supposed to be the captain. He doesn't doubt the team could win without him, they are strong after all, but when they had named him captain, they had placed their trust in him; with that title, they had told him _we choose you to lead us_. And he had betrayed that trust. Now he is laying in a futon, with tears rolling down his cheeks and what feels like a huge weight on his body that makes it impossible for him to move. He is pathetic. He doesn't deserve to be there surrounded by some of the strongest people he knows. Can they take the captain title from him? He doesn't know but it's certainly the best thing they could do.

The tears stop, eventually, and he doesn't know what time it is but the room doesn't look as dark anymore. His stomach hurts, probably because he hasn't eaten anything since lunch, but he doesn't have it in him to care right now.

Morning comes and the bright light makes his head thrum. He has just enough energy to cover his eyes with his arm. He's so tired. Akaashi is next to him again, calling his name softly, but Koutarou hears his voice as if through water: distant, muffled, drowned. Yukie tries to get him to eat but he's not hungry and he's unresponsive, so she leaves. Everyone leaves. And that's okay.

Throughout the day, he drifts in and out of sleep and he hears voices he thinks he recognizes: Kuroo and Hinata and Akaashi again. Koutarou falls asleep once more.

"Bokuto-san." Akaashi's voice wakes him up.

Koutarou squints at him and then closes his eyes. His eyelids are too heavy.

"Bokuto-san," Akaashi says stronger this time. "Come on."

Before he realizes what's going on, he's being hauled up to his feet by a struggling Akaashi. He's strong but Koutarou is heavy, especially with a limp body. Several arms grab him, then, trying to provide him with some support. The whole team is helping.

They take him to the bathroom and strip him off of his clothes. Koutarou knows he should feel embarrassed right now but he doesn't really care. They get him into a bath and while Akaashi rinses his hair and scrubs his body, the rest talk.

They tell him about Kuroo falling on his ass after trying to slide across the gym in his socks. They tell him about how much Hinata has improved. They tell him about Lev hitting his chin so hard after diving for a receive everyone thought he had broken something. They tell him about Komi's attempt at talking to Karasuno's beautiful manager. He almost manages a smile.

They talk enthusiastically and don't seem to be mad at him and Akaashi is looking at him with kind eyes and Koutarou starts crying again. He slumps onto Akaashi's lap and cries some more.

"I'm sorry," he says, his voice raspy and his throat sore. "I'm sorry."

Akaashi combs his hair with his fingers and the team pats him on the back and they all reassure him it's okay, he's gonna be okay.

They take him back to the room and put him in clean clothes. The girls bring chicken soup and they all sit together chatting while Koutarou eats. He _had_ been hungry after all and wants to eat the whole thing but Akaashi stops him from eating too much since it would only upset his stomach. His strength is slowly coming back but he's still very tired, so when the team sees him struggling to keep his eyes open, they decide to call it a night. They all pat his head before going to their own futons, it's a soft gesture and Koutarou is grateful. Akaashi doesn't move, he stays sitting next to him.

"Lay down, Bokuto-san," he says and Koutarou does as he's told.

He grabs Akaashi's shirt and pulls softly to keep him there. 

"I'm sorry," he apologizes again. Akaashi shakes his head.

"This is not your fault. Don't apologize. Just rest."

"'Kaashi, do you hate me?" His voice is soft, he doesn't want the other ones to hear.

"Why would I hate you?" Akaashi sounds truthfully confused and Koutarou loves him for it.

"Because I haven't been a good boyfriend. Because I get like this."

Koutarou's words are coming out a bit slurred but he trusts Akaashi understands.

Akaashi lays down next to him and touches his cheek. "I don't hate you," he says, "and the team doesn't hate you either."

He stays silent for a moment, tracing Koutarou's features with kind fingers.

"And you're not a bad boyfriend," he adds then. "This isn't your fault, okay?"

Koutarou's about to nod when Akaashi kisses him. It's a tender and short kiss but it leaves Koutarou all warm and fuzzy.

"I'm gonna be here through the good days _and_ the bad days. We're all here for you, you know? You're not alone," Akaashi says and the confidence in his voice makes Koutarou feel like crying.

"I _am_ awesome, after all," he tries to joke and it's a bit half hearted but Akaashi smiles and kisses him again.

"You are. You are a star," he says fondly. "Now sleep."

Koutarou buries his face onto Akaashi's chest and relishes in the warmth of it. He's lucky. He thinks of _his_ team taking care of him, of his friends' worry, and a single tear falls from his eye but it feels different this time. He feels relieved and calm. He feels loved.

Koutarou sleeps soundly the whole night.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Come scream with me about bokuaka on twitter @keijiis!


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